The Golden Phoenix Girl

[VERY EXTREME trigger warning: graphic descriptions of rape, physical abuse and child prostitution.]

Here are some pictures of me during the prostitution years.

And here is a video of me telling my story.

When my sister was five, she was adopted by two psychopaths for the purpose of raping and selling for sex. Our birth mother, (who was a drug-addict, and who I’ve since met and is an unkind, self-involved person) dumped me off with the abusers, too, when I was a 3 month old.

My first memory is being held by my father in the shower. I am about 18 months-2 years old. My father is inside of me, raping me and I’m screaming. Then he urinates in me. I remember smelling it. I even remember my mom handing me into the shower with him while I screamed for her, clinging to her shirt.

My mom molested me, too. I remember being about 2-3 when she started.  At first I resisted, but she would call my dad in to rape/beat me if I angered her, so I did as I was told out of fear. This led to full-on lesbian rape in every way possible, whenever my mom wanted. Sometimes she even raped my sister and I together. 

The first time I remember being prostituted to a man, I was around 3. I remember at that age, men haggling over my value, offering $50 to (often) choke me unconscious. “Try her out!” my dad would say, giving free samples of my body. The man would unzip his pants. Daddy would say ‘suck his dick!’ and I would. After being beaten, raped and tortured my whole life, I was already well-trained. I did what I was told under the threat of death. A threat from a man who bragged to me about having killed before. My father was a minister, my mother was a church leader… my father was even a veteran. What hope did we have, even when we tried to tell? CPS came, we told our youth pastor… no one would save us.

I can’t describe the horror and emotional pain of everything at once, so here’s a simple, bulleted list of the things that began happening to me in infancy and continued until I reached adulthood as a forced prostitute and abuse victim.

·         For much of my life, I was raped around 3 hours a day.

·         I was told again and again that I was going to die.

·         I was constantly called humiliating names, especially during rape.

·         I was not allowed to wear clothing in my home.

·         I was bitten until I bled.

·         I had few, usually no friends, when I WAS allowed to go to school. I was usually that one, horribly picked on unpopular girl, for reasons like the fact that my father got caught molesting me in the car in front of the school and a popular girl saw it.

·         I was choked unconscious several times a week.

·         I was beaten until huge welts covered my body.
·         I was beaten unconscious.

·         I was raped with a loaded, cocked gun.

·         I was raped before, during and after big events like vacations and church. Raped, in the most horrible, creative ways I’ve ever seen, EVERY birthday and EVERY Christmas. (He would often grunt “Happy birthday!” as he came inside me.)

·         I was beaten horribly and regularly, often leaving marks that lasted for days.

·         I was regularly raped anally until I bled.

·         I was denied basic medical care to the point where I was infected with strep throat, nearly constantly for two years.

·         I had my body measured, while I was anorexic and underweight, and was told to lose more weight.

·         I was repeatedly denied any mental health care.I was denied any mental help even after I attempted suicide.

·         I had a gun pointed at my face.

·         I was raped, tortured and beaten and told it was my fault because of reasons like: I spilled my milk. I was wearing 5-year old’s play makeup, I vomited during oral rape, I got less an A on a test or talked in class.

·         I was peed on.

·         I was peed in.

·         I was VAGINALLY STABBED with a large knife and nearly bled to death.

·         My father forced me to brutally beat my sister with a belt while he raped her.

·         I was horribly beaten with a belt by my sister while raped by my dad.

·         I was gangraped by both of my parents while a man videotaped it. 

·         Men forced me to beat my 3 year old cousin in the face during gangrapes when I was only 8.

·         I was forced  to eat dog feces.

·         I was forced to eat human feces.

·         My parents had sex with me next to them in the bed.

·         My sister, who was 6 years older and following my mom’s lead, molested/raped me on a regular basis.

·         I was trained to be “in charge” of sexual movements and oral sex (when ordered to be) by infancy. I already knew how to give a blowjob before I was 2.

·         I was publicly humiliated by my father, having my ass pinched or hearing him whisper what a whore I was when people’s backs were turned.

·         I was made to stand, naked in front of a mirror, during rape, look myself in the eyes and tell myself what made me the ugliest inside and out.

·         I was videotaped as a small child and told repeatedly that I would be famous and everyone would see what I had done.

·         I was raped with a bedpost.

·         Forced to say horrible humiliating things (e.g. “I’m your little girl, daddy, I love you” or “It feels so good when we fuck up the ass, do it harder,”) from the time I was barely old enough to speak.

·         My mother deliberately and repeatedly poisoned my food (factitious disorder, formerly called Munchausen Syndrome).

·         My parents involved me in gangrapes between the two of them.

·         I was gangraped, with my sister, by our father, grandfather and three uncles all at once.

·         I was hung by the neck during rape, often until I lost consciousness.

·         Two men rammed me onto another man’s penis during oral rape.

·         I had strangers force me to call them “daddy,” and make me play out real rapes my father was actually perpetrating on me each night.

·         I was raped with a chair while a grown man leaned on it.

·         I was choked unconscious about one third of nights by my father.

·         I had my jaw pulled completely open until the ligaments on both sides tore because I said I thought having oral sex was wrong. I had to get weeks of physical therapy, but the oral rapes didn’t stop during my recovery. My jaw still clicks.

·         I was raped while a man turned on a circular saw and tried to cut off my fingers.

·         I was forced to lick the inside of a toilet bowl.

·         I had mentally ill johns think they were my boyfriend, even breaking into my bedroom at night to rape me.

·         A man once snuck into our yard and raped me in the prostitution shed without my dad’s permission, telling me he knew where I lived and would kill us all if I told.

·         I was brought into the room as an “example” and raped when my sister wasn’t pleasing enough to our father or a man.

·         I had to watch my sister get raped and beaten.

·         I was tied to my bed for hours and hours, naked each day, raped again and again until I was bloody, had pins stuck through my nipples, was starved and completely isolated all at the same time. This went on every day for at least a year.

·         I was brought to the doctor, TWICE, with no idea what was going on and given forced abortions. The second time, I realized in the middle and struggled. I bled for ages.

·         I was covered in feces and had it inserted into me as a toddler.

·         I was beaten all over my torso with a hammer and then raped with it.

·         I was rented out to people in their homes.

·         I was tied with my arms above my head for hours and urinated on.

·         I was rented out as child bachelor party entertainment and made to strip and sexually service the bachelor and men.

·         I was drowned underwater in bathtubs several times.
·         I witnessed a murder.

My sister and I were put into a child prostitution ring when I was about 7. The men would take us off into bedrooms, rape us scattered around the living room, or form a circle, each passing his child to the right. As men finished one, by one, children were removed. I was known as the “blowjob girl,” the kid who “liked to suck dick,” because blowjobs were a “skill” I’d been forced to become good at in order to end the rapes faster, since infancy. I was usually one of the last two allowed out of the circle, often the last one, with two guys raping me. I would be horrifically punished for vomiting or pulling away if I began to bleed during anal, or if my jaw locked up after giving my 20^th blowjob. And of course I was never allowed to cry or even wash myself or brush my teeth after. This is SOME of what happened to me.

This all resulted in anorexia, self-harm, suicidal thoughts and PTSD that I still battle every day. I was repressing it at the time, unable to deal with it to the point where I literally believed it wasn’t happening (much of the time). Thankfully, my abusers were incredibly image-conscious and didn’t want to be seen as poor, so they sent us to college. Once my boyfriend witnessed my father’s abuse, my repression began to melt away and I was able to free myself from their home and begin my journey to dealing with the truth. I’m still having new flashbacks most every day, so this list will continue to be updated. 

Positive responses to my story are always appreciated.