So… this just went down, and I need some advice because with my background, I really don’t know abuse from a normal fight.
I woke up feeling upset (as I often do, due to flashbacks and things) and I woke up Raymond. I was acting calm but asked him to hold and cuddle me and told him I upset. I was shaking. I suddenly became panicked (probably due to a recent flashback) and I told him “I need my razer blades!”
Here’s how this works between us. He respects that I sometimes need to hurt myself if it’s inevitable and the faster I can get the blades/matches, the less damage I typically do.
I frantically look all over the motel room. He stays relaxing in bed (which he later admits is simply because it was warm and comfortable in bed and he didn’t want to get up.)
I cut myself in privacy in the bathroom.
I addressed, in an even tone to him that I am hurt that he didn’t try to help me find the razer blades and that can be dangerous to me. I do not name-call or call him a bad person, nothing remotely close to that. But I say calmly that I think his behavior was inappropriate and it hurt my feelings.
He raises his voice to me. Because his snoring triggers me, and he had to sleep in a sleeping bag in the bathroom, he says, he shouldn’t be expected to help me. He’s tired and the bed is warm and he’s not thinking clearly. When I say I still really needed help and I don’t think that was fair of him (still very calmly and politely) he becomes loud, uses aggressive hand gestures and talks in a sarcastic tone as if I am stupid or a small child. This scares me a lot. Abusers have treated me in this exact way before.
I tell him that his tone and gestures are frightening and inappropriate and that I know he was tired, but I still really needed his support.
He then gets matches and burns himself (which he doesn’t normally do) so I can watch it.
Of course now he says he’s sorry. Now he says it’s just a one-time thing and he’s acting all calm and totally sweet again. But this seems… off to me.
Is this how healthy fights go down? I never hurt myself to hurt him. I almost always do it in private without mentioning it, *never during fights, and only very occasionally ask for his company for safety reasons. He admitted that a large part of why he hurt himself that way was to hurt me.
Obviously it’s not healthy that either of us self harm. But my question is this: is his behavior acceptable or abusive?
*edit* raymond says I hurt myself during a fight once. I don’t remember it, but if he says so I believe him. If so, CERTAINLY not to hurt him.