February 2012
14 posts
15 tags
(mild tw) The week my sister went to camp
This morning, I remembered another person who was involved a couple of the “family” gangrapes that went on most frequently when I was being regularly prostituted in second and third grade. It was my uncle, who married my dad’s sister. In a sense, it’s not surprising that someone raised by my grandfather (the only person I remember being as cruel and sadistic as my dad)...
21 tags
My "appointments" to be raped for money
Today, I remembered another detail from my days of being prostituted by my father. He called the rapes “appointments.” He would walk into the bedroom my sister and I shared and say one of our names, then say “You have an appointment.” Then he would lead us out to the shed to be horribly used by a stranger in all the creative ways you might expect from the types of men who...
21 tags
My "appointments" to be raped for money
Today, I remembered another detail from my days of being prostituted by my father. He called the rapes “appointments.” He would walk into the bedroom my sister and I shared and say one of our names, then say “You have an appointment.” Then he would lead us out to the shed to be horribly used by a stranger in all the creative ways you might expect from the types of men who...
9 tags
Happy Birthday Dan
You are the unsung hero of my story. You sacrifice everything to help me survive. If it weren’t for you, I would not still be here, and no one could be happier that you were born than I am. I love you.
keepchippingoffapiece asked: I know you don't live on the computer, but sometimes I worry about you when you don't post for days. Stay strong lovely x
14 tags
I can’t go outside in face people until I stop being so terrified everyone is judging me. And I won’t stop being afraid everyone is judging me until I stop judging myself. The only way I can learn to stop judging myself is if I think about and relive things more horrific than most people can imagine, in order to figure out the roots of my self blame.
So that’s what I do. I...
19 tags
TW - I'm just barely brave enough to publish this...
Trigger warning - sexual molestation, incest, public shame. One day, my dad was humiliating me before school when I was about 9. He had pulled up to the crosswalk, looked to see that there was no one there, and grabbed my crotch through my jeans, rubbed it hard and said something about how it belonged to him and he wanted me to think about that all day at school. Just then one of the most...
14 tags
You prayed and cried about it, but still no change...
There will always be someone who has it worse than you. And there will always be someone who has it better. Your job is to acknowledge your own experiences and not allow comparison to stand in the way of taking care of yourself.
30 tags
poem: Daddy Says
“Don’t be fooled by hope. There is no soap to wash away your sorrow.
You are here to use. Reveal abuse and you won’t see tomorrow!
Hide, disguised in shade. The life you’ve made is worthless, not worth living. Obey, then go away. You’ll have to pay - your birth’s not worth forgiving.
Your life belongs to me. You can’t be free of all the pain...
11 tags
Dear society:
Look at me. I represent your greatest mistakes. Your child welfare system didn’t properly screen the people who adopted me. Your churches blamed my sister and I when we tried to go for help. Your public school teachers didn’t report the child abuse they suspected. Your law enforcement ignored reports of abuse.
You offer no free support, no groups, no special therapists for human...
7 tags
I feel like I’m beginning to shut down. As the daily memories continue, the volume of information grows and it’s becoming more than I can handle. As I remember more and more I start to fear that anyone I tell would come to the conclusion that I must have brought these things on myself or that I’m crazy. And the effect on my self esteem is that I feel no one would be interested in...
saboobnah-deactivated20121204 asked: Why DID you move around a lot?
21 tags
Child Prostitute struggling with identity
I’m realizing that part of the reason I’m agoraphobic (which means, in part, that I’m scared to go outside or talk to people) is because I don’t know how to be a former child prostitute.
Before, I was just me. And even though I turned out to be wrong about the facts in my life, I thought I knew who I was and what my experiences were. When I talked to someone before, I knew...