January 2012
82 posts
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He thought he was my "boyfriend"
One of the men my father brought into my room to rape me was named Mike. He was visibly crazy. He smelled, he babbled, he had wild eyes. He didn’t shave often. The first day he came in to rape me, I remember him asking, during, “does this mean you’re my girlfriend?” Now, when you’ve been a child prostitute all your life (although this was just after my 18th birthday,...
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000008888000 asked: This is probably really insensitive...but while you were still living with your parents, had you thought about suicide?
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I want to share, but...
One of the people who raped me many times was unusually cruel and sadistic. But I’m having trouble remembering a lot of the details, much less posting them because… well the guy was very mentally ill. He was crazy and seemed very confused about reality. He smelled, he didn’t shave, he talked to himself… he seemed like the kind of person I should feel sorry for. But he also did some of the most...
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hhyperphagia asked: I think you should post everything. Your posts are never crude and you always appropriately warn for triggers. I think your honesty is beautiful and necessary. When I've tried to be open about painful memories on my blog people have unfollowed and told me that they could not mentally deal with the truths of my past... but we are survivors and we have actually lived through these experiences...
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bellsofapocalypse asked: do you know much about DID?
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puhoy asked: Also, did you ever go to school/did no one realize you were being abused?
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puhoy asked: I don't know if this has been asked already, but did anything happen to your "parents" who did this to you? Did they go to jail, did they suffer any consequences for what they did to you? And was your sister forced to molest you or did she do it because she thought it was the norm? Or was it malicious? Also, I think you're an amazing person for surviving. I'm sorry...
p-etaluna asked: If you ever had kids, would you tell them what you've been through?
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My child prostitution story - when is it TMI?
*sigh* some things I don’t know how to share or if I should. Maybe I’ll just post a little about my thoughts today. I’ve been asking myself to what extent is a perpetrator guilty if they are mentally ill? (And I don’t mean some clinical diagnosis or paperwork, I mean a totally, obviously out of their mind, stark-raving lunatic, unlike my parents, who were technically...
We all have scars, whether they’re on our skin or...
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Crying in his arms (TW: rape, child abuse,...
I remember when I was seven, being out in the shed in our back yard, and a man raping me orally. He had used me before, but I didn’t know him well. After he came in my mouth, he did something strange. He told me to come sit in his lap. And he held me. No one had ever done this for me in my life. When you’re a child prostitute, the first skill you learn is how to cry silently. So he sat...
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Anonymous said: i was sexually assaulted when i was 13, or at least thats what it felt like. it made me ashamed of my body for years. reading your blog has made me care about you so much, i really wish the best for you.
Thank you for sharing your experience. Being sexually assaulted can be confusing, and it’s always easier to believe the experience didn’t happen than to think that...
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Tell Me.
If you’ve been abused, molested, raped or otherwise hurt and you’re afraid to tell anyone because you don’t think they’ll understand - tell me. I’ve been through just about everything, and I never judge. I can talk to you privately, or publish your story with credit or anonymously. I am not the only one who has suffered and neither are you. If you need to tell...
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Anonymous said: Hey, I just wanted to let you know that you’re such a huge help and such an inspiration. Reading your advice, your coping methods, and your trials and battle with PTSD have made dealing with my own PTSD easier. I feel less alone. Thank you so much for that. You’re such a beautiful and strong person.
<3 today just got better. Thank you for reminding me why I got out of bed...
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““…domestic violence causes more death and disability amongst women aged between...”
–
The Equality Illusion: The Truth about Women and Men Today by Kat Banyard
(via hopetravers
)
And is also the bulk of emergency room visits for women in the US, if I understand correctly.
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“There are 27 Million People around the world whose stories have yet to be told....”
– Let me remind you, this happens in the US, not just abroad. It happened to me Hemet, California, Bend Oregon, Sacramento… and you know the town that you live in? Yeah, probably there too.
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I don't know how i'm going to make it through...
iamdisgustedwithmyself:
Please, words of comfort from you guys would be super.
There is hope for you. You can survive anything you put your mind to. If I can do it, you can do it, right? You will be okay, because you are stronger than you feel. You can survive as long as you keep reminding yourself that you can do it.
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keepchippingoffapiece asked: Ok, I know I just sent you a message, but I feel like I need to tell you this. I just went through 14 pages of your blog and couldn't go further tonight. I am crying for you, literally. I can't imagine going through that. You are a very lucky lady to have Dan there for you. Your stories are shocking, and they need to be heard. I don't know where I am trying to go with this message....
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grannygash asked: could i ask, you mentioned in a recent ask that you were adopted, are your father and family that you talk of technically not your biological family? do you know your biological parents?xx
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Poll for self-harmers:
Has being abused or molested caused you to harm yourself in some way? Drinking, cutting, compulsive promiscuity, self-hate etc… If so, what’s the connection between the abuse and self harm?
“This is not to say that others can’t talk about rape or make jokes about rape,...”
teey55 asked: when did the abuse start and end?
ataraxiapath asked: Hey :) Just wondering, have you ever been on a drug regimen? Do you think anti-depressives, anti-anxiety would help for someone recovering from abuse? (phew, feels good to say that). I'm still rather afraid of psychologists, but if it could be helpful, might be worth a shot? I don't expect it to solve any root problem (if those are even fixable), but can they take the edge of unstable...
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Healing takes time
Anonymous: Also, thank you very much for your previous advice. Yes, I can certainly see some of the effects you described. Still strange to think of it as PTSD. Dunno how to express this, but I kinda wish my body/brain was “smarter”, like I should KNOW I’m not in any danger any longer and that I should be even more happy now to make up for past sadness, but somehow I just...
strengthissexy asked: Be my friend? I could sure use someone like you in my life as well (:
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Anonymous said: As for my story, born and grew up in Seattle, simply put I was abused, and later raped, by my father (rich, respected lawyer) till I was 18, regularly, maybe almost every night. My mother is a bit complicated, very depressed and vacant, jobless, abused but also abuser, and eventually committed suicide when I was 10. I ran away in college and never looked back, only in college...
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“Not every guy is going to leave you for your “best friend”. Not every guy is...”
– I wish I had a friend. I need to hear these things right now.
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I'd like some random input...
Do psychopaths (and I’m talking about serious psychopaths, those capable of murdering, prostituting and raping their own infant daughter, etc.) have real feelings? Do those feelings count? How does a victim address the fact that even a psychopathic abuser may have real, relatable human feelings without beginning to self-blame?
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To ALL my readers:
Anonymous said: Arr, I’m sorry. All I do is dump more unhappy stuff on you, you have enough on your plate now. That said, if you ever need to talk, about anything, I’m here. Tumblr, email, skype (if you want to actually talk), whatever. :)
You are wonderful for your offer of friendship, and I definitely need to work on reaching out to others and talking more when I need help. But...
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Reader: "It still feels impossible, confusing,...
Anonymous said: Hey :) Don’t know if you remember me, but you helped me start dealing with years of repressed memories of abuse. I have been off the internet the past two months, too jumpy. It has not been easy at all, a lot of things have gotten worse (I lost 20 pounds, cutting, bits of alcohol), but I must keep reminding myself that this is the way to get better. It still feels impossible,...
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Desperately lonely...
I hate looking at my facebook. All these smiling people who don’t know me anymore. All these people with lives and families and hope that have no idea what I’m going through and don’t care. People I once used to feel connected to, who now probably wouldn’t even know if I died, much less care. I’m so lonely, and all those faces just look like closed roads to me. I...
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MARGINALIZED & ALIENATING: Trigger Warning: Living... →
fox-power:
There’s a game that I play every day. All day long. I bet you want to know the rules. I mean, every day, after all.
The rules are really similar to the rules of walking through a mine field. “Don’t trigger anything.” There are a lot of ways to lose. You start by rolling the die. If you roll…
Excellent description! I feel at this point that my trigger rate is about 90% of...
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Anonymous said:
Hang in there
please don’t give up!! You ARE such an amazing person……don’t you wanna be able to say ” I went through eating human feces I went through my OWN father raping me and I lived through it I SURVIVED and while I am surviving everyday I am a HUGE role model to young and old girls alike who have went through troublesome times that wanted to give up” Don’t you wanna say...
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This may be a long shot, but...
I’ve gotten several messages from people offering to be there for me if I need to talk. I’m struggling with thoughts of suicide , and every hotline I’ve tried has only made me feel worse. I have no idea if any of you are on right now, but if you are, do you have any time?
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Why I can't do what I want.
Reasons to live:
Dan would be crushed. (Although I often fear I’m too much of a burden on him and he’d be better off without me.)
My sister says I’m the only reason she thinks she can survive, and she’s got kids who need her.
I’m a role model to my tumblr followers and my suicide would potentially harm someone.
Reasons I want to live:
…
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Self-Harming
Drowning in guilt and shame from my recent flashbacks. How can I watch my own sister get raped and not do anything, even if I was 3 years old? And how could she watch him rape me and not stop him? And then go on to rape me, herself!? I’m not going to lie, I’m hurting myself right now. Cutting and burning. I’m not saying it for attention, I’m saying that because I believe I...
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Anonymous wrote:
I just wanted to say I think you’re wonderful. I don’t know if you remember, but you inspired me to tell my own story of molestation as a child, and I just… I want you to know you’re worthy. You’re awesome. This blog makes me so sad, but at the same time I commend you for having it. You’re inspiring, and strong, and… I just… I...
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Blessed with a curse: so beautiful. every single... →
thisdirtysecret:
SO YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF? BECAUSE NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU. YOUR FAMILY HATES YOU. RIGHT? NO. YOUR PARENTS WALKING IN YOUR ROOM IN THE MORNING TO ONLY FIND A DEAD BODY. THEY’LL TRY THEIR HARDEST TO NOT THINK NEGATIVE, AND TO JUST THINK THAT YOU’RE FOOLING AROUND. THEN THEY’LL START SHAKING…
Think for a moment what it feels like to be me, reading this, feeling suicidal...
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What I witnessed (trigger incest, rape, oral)
Another new memory related to my sister - I remember when I was three, him making me walk into her bedroom, and telling me stand to in the corner. My nine-year old sister was naked and tied to her bed legs by her hands. He raped her orally and vaginally while I watched, silently crying. He hit her. He yelled at her. He choked her. I think he bit her. Although he was already doing all these things...